A reflection on breaking open your heart

For many years, I kept my heart closed in an effort to protect myself. After enough hurt and disappointment, I decided that my fear of pain was more important to protect than was my desire for connection to nurture. And so it went. For many years.

And then I found therapy. Similar to my first few years of my yoga journey, I showed up each week, rolling out my mat or sitting on the couch, thinking that that was “the Work”. All the while, I sensed these undercurrents slowly signaling to me that there was more to it. I ignored as much as I could, convincing myself for some time that just showing up was enough.

And it was…for awhile. But eventually, albeit reluctantly, I understood that there was more to it, and that rather than resisting, I needed to start doing the actual “the Work”; that while opening the door was an important first step, it was now time to walk through it and to embrace the notion of self-care and to begin the journey of healing.

You do not wake up and become the butterfly

—growth is a process

Rupi Kaur

Through this work that ensued (and still continues), I sat in my grief. I sat in my pain. I sat in my suffering. I allowed the roots of grief to embrace me; I had no choice but to get to know these feelings and ultimately begin to know who I am. I did so through years of yoga, including movement, breath work and meditation; I did so through years of therapy; I did so through years of journalling. I still do.

And what have I discovered? That I’m normal—I’m ordinary. I am you, and you are me. My hurt and disappointment are not special, unique or different from yours. Rather, their roots are grounded in the very suffering that is the human condition, and from this, where connection grows. 

From this grounded-ness, I slowly…slowly…started to break open my heart. I allowed my desire for connection to matter more than my fear of pain. I chose love. I chose you. Ultimately, I chose me.

Breaking open one’s heart, sadly, does not protect from heartache or from experiencing hurt and disappointment. Rather, I think because of it I’m more exposed to pain than ever before. But I’m no longer afraid of it, or at least I’m no longer so afraid of it that I let it choose for me. I try to let my desire to connect guide my decisions.

I still get stung. And when I do, it still stings. But I know I’ll be okay. I am strong. I embrace my desire and willingness to love and be loved, and I lead with an open heart, as this is what actually protects me and my ability to be me more so than a closed one does.

If this at all resonates with you, know that I see you. I’m here for you. I’d love to hear from you. Connect with me.

With gratitude,

XO